The Bachelor's Party
by seamusog
Summary: There is a wedding at Blood Pledge Castle and the men of KKM have a bachelor's party. Hints of many pairings.
1. Chapter 1

**Warnings:** Spoilers, language, sexual innuendos, violence, drunkenness, nudity and general stupidity - everything you would expect in a bachelor's party. Plot, What Plot?  
**Characters/couples:** Hints of many pairings, I started writing them down and gave up.  
**Rating:** PG13  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Maruma  
**Summary:** There's a joke where a woman is asked why she hadn't gotten married, she replied that she just forgot. Anissina is declaring her singlehood in a 'wedding' ceremony and the boys have a bachelor's party.  
**Author's Notes:** Okay, I have to warn you, this is a one-shot that got way too out of hand. It's mostly just one scene. It's like a big Italian family get-together (not that all Italian families are like this) - it's loud and boisterous and chaotic with people talking over each other, and teasing, and violence, and hugging, and kissing, and lots and lots of alcohol. The story is first-person POV and the narrator gets drunker and drunker as the evening progresses. It may be headache inducing so I've split it into segments. I'll post a segment each day.

Also, there are no OC's here (I did give a name to one of Wolfram's soldiers) so I put this who's who among the ten nobles because some of them and their relatives show up: http: // seamusog. livejournal. com/7956. html (remove the spaces)

* * *

**Yozak's Sidetrip: The Bachelor's Party**

I have been riding since I woke up very early this morning, early enough that the sun had not yet shown its face to the little human village on the borders of Shin Makoku. I would complain that my ass hurts and my thighs ache from the non-stop galloping, but at least I'm not the horse. I did stop once, but only to change steeds.

The wind feels strong and cool on my face as the brown mare gallops at full speed. I only give a cursory note to the passing vistas of green forests, golden fields and brown dirt. The sun is close to the horizon before I breathe a sigh of relief as I spy the familiar road going up the hill to Blood Pledge Castle.

It's my own damn fault for waiting until the last second, but I found too many reasons to stay where I was and too many reasons to keep away from where I should be. Not reporting in person for a whole month after repeated requests from the Commander may land me in some hot water. Not making it to the actual event, however, will definitely earn me several mind-numbing missions. I haven't forgotten that last punishment: going undercover as an accountant for several months. Gambling with Gwendal's ire is tricky, but I wasn't about to chance my life, health and happiness to the dangers presented by a notorious redhead inventor.

The trials and tribulations of a world-class spy are nothing to be laughed at. But I would take my chances with capture and torture from Shin Makoku's worst enemies than hazard the month-long planning devoted to Anissina's Big Day.

No, it's not cowardice nor is it running away. Call it strategic positioning. It's what spies do. I know better than to stay in the vicinity of an event where Anissina is the main attraction. Well, that's not completely true. There is one event that falls in that category where I would be more than happy to participate. However, it's unlikely to occur tonight or tomorrow night when this big happy celebration is dedicated to her vows of remaining single for the rest of her life. The wedding and the afternoon festivities (currently dubbed the 'Giant Annual Celebration for the Advancement of Women Everywhere Involving Lots of New Inventions') will most likely conclude with amusements exclusively for her and her 'sisters'. Alas, I am not woman enough for Anissina and, unless there is an experiment involving half-demons, my chances of participating in the wedding night's entertainment are nil.

As I go through the castle gates, I salute a greeting to the posted guards and suffer their taunts about my long absence. They're jealous of my freedom of movement and talent to escape the castle at the most appropriate time. I really can't blame them so I give them my most coquettish smile as compensation. As typical, I'm awarded with several blushes.

I lead the brown horse through the maze of strange contraptions littering the courtyard. I almost make it past the major section of displays when a sweet young voice freeze me in my tracks. My heart jumps in anticipation of danger, but I keep the casual nonchalance on my face. I turn around to find the cause of my month-long self-exile. It is the girl whose wish started this terrible event that strikes fear into the hearts of men. We only hope the Maou has learned his lesson and not give her carte blanche on her wishes in the future.

"Hi Yozak!" says the sweet voice.

"Hello Princess!" I reply in an equally sweet tone. "Did you miss me?"

"Uh-huh, you've been gone for a long time. Where did you go?"

"Here and there," I answer vaguely.

"Is it somewhere interesting?" she asks jumping excitedly.

"Nah, unless you think dirty bars and filthy neighborhoods are interesting," I answer.

Most girls don't. But then most girls don't have Anissina as their personal hero.

"I do! You must meet all sorts of different people there. And there must be lots of crime and evil things going on. It would be the perfect place for Anissina the Poison Lady to appear." Her eyes glisten with wild anticipation. "Maybe Greta can go with you next time..." she added wistfully.

People have yet to learn to be fearful of the Maou's daughter. I know better. Friendly, innocent smile. Girly giggle. Big brown eyes... Big brown eyes that hold an unmistakable sparkle reminiscent of a redhead menace. Let's consider for a moment who she is raised by: Mr. ViolentTemperTrantrums, Mr. Grumpypants, Ms. ScaryInventor and, last but not least, Mr. I-do-not-kill-men-but-you-leave-me-no-choice. This alone makes me wary of her. People, also, forget that she tried to assassinate the Maou. The girl has spunk with a capital S. She's dangerous alright. Not the I-am-planning-to-destroy-you kind of dangerous. But more of a sorry-didn't-mean-to-kill-you dangerous. I only need to scan the courtyard littered with unsuspecting victims lying beside mangled remains of failed inventions. It's no wonder the commander hid himself for a whole month. The girl is just too cute for words.

"Well, Princess, I'd love to take you. But I don't think your fathers would like that."

Even her pout is cute. I think she's been taking lessons from her father. The blond one. Nope, the Commander didn't stand a chance. I can't see him surviving this month without hiding -- I mean strategically placing himself far away from the cute.

She starts looking at me and then at the nearest machine and then at the clipboard in her hand. _Uh-oh, time to move on. _A required trait of a good spy is knowing when and how to get out of a sticky situation before it got sticky.

"Since I can't take you with me yet, how about I tell you some of the stories later. That is, those that aren't strictly confidential." I add a wink for good measure.

"Well..." she frowns adorably, "okay."

I relax and flash her a genuine smile.

* * *

Hot bath – check.

Catch up with the current gossip – check.

Flirt with the cute new maid – check.

Report to the Commander – gotta find where he is holed up first.

Escape four attempts to make me a guinea pig – check.

Open a package on my bed and stare at the contents in mild surprise – hmmm, that wasn't on my list. Oh well, I'm sure it's on someone else's list.

I get hungry so I walk towards the kitchen area. I'm just a lowly commoner so I don't get to eat with the big wigs. Not that I mind, I prefer the large cavernous and noisy common dining hall to the intimate and stressful royal dining room. I don't really enjoy eating when Günter is watching, making sure I mind my p's and q's, and Conrart is covertly scolding me for every potential joke I might make. What's the point of having dinner with the king and his fiancé if I'm not allowed to make fun of them.

As I approach one of the entryways of the large chamber, I am surprised to see royalty there. In the area usually populated by army officers, surrounded by blue uniforms, the Maou and the three ex-princes are having a conversation.

Before I can enter, I hear my name being called. A grin spreads on my face. No interruptions please me more than my encounters with His Eminence. For a world-class spy like me, no high is more satisfying than mental sparring, and no one is more capable than the Great Sage.

I glance to my right and I see him walking towards me holding a tray with three bottles and several glasses.

"Good evening, Your Eminence. What are we doing lurking around here?"

"Hi Yozak. It's good to see that you're back. You've been missed."

"Ah, yes. It's quite unfortunate that my assignments took me far away from the castle. It seemed I missed most of the fun stuff."

"Don't worry, I'm sure you'll make up for it tomorrow." His smile turned slightly evil.

"Well, Your Eminence, are you practicing your serving skills or are we short on maids this evening?"

"Ah this? Can you do me a favor and bring it into the dining room? I have to go talk to the maids about something. it would do Lord von Voltaire and Lord von Bielefeld much good to have a little bit of ah... 'stress-reliever', you might say."

His eyeglasses flash and I understand his meaning. The knife has been thrown and the challenge accepted. I take the tray and quickly scan the labels on the bottle. I give a whistle of appreciation; this is shaping up to be a fun evening.

"Oh, by the way Yozak, did you receive the package I left for you?"

My lips curl up in a knowing smile. I am not surprised that the package, containing the white thing made mostly of leather and buckles, that I found on my bed came from him. The contents practically screamed 'inspected by the Great Sage for your enjoyment'.

"Someone was kind enough to get it to the room I'm staying in."

"I hope it fits. I think I got your size correctly."

Wicked thoughts manifest as a mischievous grin.

"I'll be in there as soon as I'm finished with the maids. See you," he waves casually as he walks off to the kitchens.


	2. Chapter 2

**Warnings:** Spoilers, language, sexual innuendos, violence, drunkenness, nudity and general stupidity - everything you would expect in a bachelor's party. Plot, What Plot?

* * *

**Yozak's Sidetrip: The Bachelor's Party**

Part 2--

The enormous chamber that is never empty contains rows upon rows of rectangular wooden tables. Most of the tables are flanked by wooden benches, but there is an area where the tables have proper chairs. This is the special area for army officers who may be part of the nobility and whose noble bottoms require respectable seating. It is in this area that I walk to.

The king sits casually and very unkingly on one of the tables with feet on a chair. Conrart stands beside him leaning on the table. Wolfram and Gwendal sit face to face on the next table. Well, face to face is a relative term. Wolfram sits with his head on the table eyes glazed over while the Commander scans the room with his big giant frown. All the blue uniforms surrounding the four belong to Wolfram's personal guard and they sit in varying degrees of weariness.

"Yozak, you're back!" His Majesty greets me with the same enthusiasm he would greet a sovereign.

"Hello, Your Majesty..." I start saying but the commander interrupts me.

"Yozak," he says peremptorily.

Within that one uttering is a bucketful of meaning. Actually, more of a figurative bucket of cold water aimed at my enthusiasm. The Commander is less than happy with me. But understanding his meaning doesn't mean I have to pay attention to it. I enthusiastically ignore the underlying command as I flourish the tray in front of him.

"I've missed you too, Commander," I reply cheekily. "But I was instructed to give this to you by His Eminence. And I'm not one to shirk my duties. Unless you really need the reports now..."

I don't finish my speech before he takes a bottle, opens it, pours a generous amount in a glass, drains it and pours again. I take the open bottle and fill two glasses and I offer them to Conrart and His Majesty. They both decline. I raise an eyebrow.

"I'm too young to drink," the king says sheepishly.

"Really?" I ask with a hint of incredulity. "How about you Captain, don't tell me you've become a teetotaler in your old age."

"No, but I'll pass tonight."

"You're no fun. You don't have to do everything His Majesty is doing."

"Yes, Conrad. Why don't you drink? Don't make me stop you."

"No, Your Majesty... I think it's for the best that I stay sober this evening. Just in case."

I shrug and turn back to the other two brothers. His Eminence's challenge only included Gwendal and Wolfram, but if I get Conrart, I'd have the whole set.

"Your Excellency Wolfram," I address the youngest brother and offer him a glass. Wolfram looks at it warily. "Don't worry, it won't bite."

He snorts. After a few more moments of staring at the glass as if he's deciding the amount of evil it contained, he shrugs, picks it up and empties the entire contents in one gulp. I pour more into Wolfram's glass as I watch his face contorts registering the effect of the liquid burning its way to his stomach. Gwendal is already downing his third before I even start my first. Yes, this challenge is too easy without adding Conrart.

"Wolfram," the Captain says in the same scolding tone he uses on me, "isn't it unwise to be drinking in your condition?"

"What condition?" I ask. Then added in the most serious and incredulous tone I could manage, "Is his lordship pregnant?"

His Majesty gags on nothing and flails about knocking the chair that he's using as a footrest.

"Do... no way... Mazoku males can't get..."

"Yozak is kidding, Your Majesty," the Captain assures him calmly as he righted the chair.

"I knew that, Conrad! Why would you think that I would think that demon males could get pregnant..." the kiddo retorted unconvincingly. He grumbles under his breath and I'm only able to catch a few unintelligible phrases, "... damn Murata and Shori... to that Comiket... perverted doujinshis... stupid mangakas... flying skeletons..."

"Of course, His Majesty knows it's a joke. He wouldn't be sleeping with His Excellency if there was that danger."

"What!! I am not sleeping with Wolfram... I mean... yes, I'm sleeping with him... I mean no... I am sleeping with him but not in... not in that way!" His Majesty has turned a nice bright shade of red.

But I judge it not quite red enough.

"Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't know you only did it the other way and that you preferred the submissive role. You being the Maou, I automatically thought that... well, at the very least, His Excellency ought to be willing to change position every now and then." I wink and salute him with my drink.

Bright red!

Wolfram stands up and says, "Yozak, you know as well as everyone here that Yuuri and I are not having sexual relations. Just ask the maids." He points to the maids who are bringing in pitchers of beer, clean mugs and food, and setting them on the tables where soldiers are steadily congregating.

The king is visibly relieved and his blush starts disappearing. I must admit I am disappointed. Wolfram is usually not the one to save the Maou in situations like this.

"But, with your keen ears Yozak, you'll be one of the first to know when I do take the wimp," Wolfram continues in a loud arrogant voice. "And when I say take, I mean he won't be able to sit on a horse for a week."

After slamming down another drink, he adds magnanimously as he addressed the entire room, "Of course, you will all know soon enough afterwards since His Majesty Yuuri will be screaming my name in ecstasy at the top of his lungs for at least an hour as waves upon waves of pleasure take over his luscious virgin body. Make it two hours. Hell, we'll have Günter throw a banquet to celebrate the happy occasion. Right, Yuuri?"

Wolfram tries to stifle the low and suggestive giggles bubbling inside him while the Maou blubbers incoherently. I never knew that the kiddo could turn that particular shade of crimson. For this round, I must concede defeat to His Drunken Excellency.

A crash interrupts the whistles and the clapping elicited by the youngest prince's declaration. The king's undecipherable protestations make way to jaws wide open in surprise. Everyone's gaze concentrate in Gwendal's general direction. The Commander has just punched one of Wolfram's personal guards.

"Eh??" the king exclaims in disbelief as Wolfram jumps gracefully over the table and takes the fallen soldier in his arms and smothers him in a very affectionate embrace.

"Corporal, you should go to Gisela and have that treated. I can't have any of my precious guards injured," says the prince dramatically.

"Y-yes, Your Excellency," comes the muffled reply.

After Wolfram releases him, the blushing corporal walks past me and quickly bows to the king before making his exit. The king's face, meanwhile, is a study of opposing ideas trying to work themselves out.

"Conrad... um, what's wrong with Wolfram? He's not having uh... you know? I mean... He's not a hugs type person... He doesn't like public displays of affection. Even Greta, I hug Greta, he doesn't hug her unless she's in danger. That guard isn't in danger. I mean I know he just got punched... but..."

"Wolfram's drunk, Your Majesty."

"Oh," the king says relieved. After a short pause, he adds, "Already? He's only had three drinks."

"It only takes one drink."

"Judging from his pretty face, it would make sense that his tolerance is that low."

"No, it's not that. It's the combination of alcohol and lack of Maryoku. I tried to stop him, but I wasn't fast enough. A pure Mazoku gets drunk with the smallest amount of alcohol if his Maryoku has been depleted to the point of exhaustion. This is especially true for very strong Majutsu wielders like Wolfram."

"What happened to His Excellency Wolfram?" I ask. "Did our little miss Anissina get him?"

"Yes," Conrart replies, "he said he made a deal with her. He powered something called Give-Me-Your-Maryoku-For-Later-Use-kun. She took most of his Maryoku, just left him enough to keep him alive. She, also, went ahead and used all his personal guards for some experiments. In exchange, she's not going to bother him tomorrow."

"Lucky guy," I say in a low whisper.

"So... it's probably best to get as far away from him as possible, right?" the Maou asks. "Sober Wolfram is violent enough, he can only get worse when he's drunk so I should stay out of his reach. I don't want to be black and blue and matching my clothes at tomorrow's ceremony."

"Wolfram's not the one you need to worry about. When he's drunk, he just gets... happy. Very happy. It's Gwendal you need to keep away from."

"I can see that. What did Wolfram's guard do anyway? I didn't see anything that could have earned him a punch in the face."

"That would be the Commander's overwhelming desire to protect his younger brother. Strong emotions that he would not normally show when sober makes him punch the nearest person when he's drunk."

"Also, Gwendal would punch any man he suspects of harboring sexual thoughts for our little brother. Or anyone unlucky enough to be in reach."

"Ah, I see... well, it's a good thing he doesn't do that sober. He's bad enough in his everyday grumpy way. He already attacks me with paperwork, I don't need to be worried he might attack me with his fist."

"Don't worry, kiddo, we'll make sure to keep him away from alcohol on your wedding day. And even if he does get drunk, I'm sure he won't punch the Maou."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Conrart frowns at me and smiles at the king. I roll my eyes.

"At first, Gwendal will only punch when he feels any strong emotions," the Captain continues, redirecting the conversation to less amusing paths. "Later on, he'll start punching if he sees anything cute."

"Shouldn't we go hide Wolfram then?" His Majesty asks innocently. Conrart's attempt at redirection – massive failure.

"Oh, you think he's cute?"

"He is prettiest boy I've ever met. Prettier than any girl."

"You would say that, love does have a way of coloring how you see the world."

"What are you getting at? We're both men. He just happens to be cute."

"Do you think the Captain is pretty?"

"Conrart? I wouldn't describe him as pretty, he's attractive and a lot of pretty girls do fall for him."

"Perhaps, sexy?"

"I suppose."

"How about me?"

The kid laughs uncomfortably, "You're both Yozak. Though you're pretty in a mannish sort of way."

The Captain snorts.

"You're such a flatterer, Your Majesty. I'll take those words as a compliment since I don't get the benefit of sparkles filling your vision like you do when you see His Excellency Wolfram."

"Look, I see Wolfram the way I've always seen him since the day I met him, which I'm sure is how everybody sees him."

"And we all know what you did the first day you met him."

"That was an accident!"

"You keep saying that the way some callow men say it's an accident when they get a girl knocked up. As if they tripped, stumbled, fell down while their clothes magically disappeared, land on top of the girl and found their peni--"

"Yozak!"

"I'm just trying to say, Captain, some men don't want to take responsibility."

"Are you saying I'm not taking responsibility?"

"You are enjoying the fruits of the engagement."

"What?! What fruits? Are we still talking about Wolfram here? Because the only thing I get from him are bruises."

"You mean those love taps?"

"Love taps?? One of these days, I hope you get to be on the receiving end of them."

"Oh no, I would never steal him away from the Maou. Speaking of which, you really should see Wolfram drunk. It doesn't happen very often. Last time I've seen it, it was more than ten years ago. And the effects of that one drunken event was felt for several months... no, several years."

"Maybe, it would be a good idea to hide him for that reason," Conrart replies soberly.

"Why? What happened?"

"Let's just say my brother raised a lot of false hopes and his uncle, Lord Waltorana, had to come quickly to Blood Pledge Castle to take him home to Bielefeld where he was practically hidden from public view for a couple of years."

"Well, Captain, we won't have to worry about that this time around. Wolfram is already engaged."

A voice in the entryway interrupts whatever rebuke Conrart is about to give me and whatever protest the king is about to make. "But Shibuya may end up having to fight a few duels, I don't know which emotion would win, the fear of the Maou or the desire for Lord von Bielefeld. I'm sure there will be some willing to try and steal the prince away. Though I don't know if anyone will be as cute as Lady Elizabeth."

"Hey, kiddo, who's cuter Wolfram or Elizabeth?"

"I'm not answering any more of your questions!"

"That's okay, I think I already know your answer."


	3. Chapter 3

**Warnings:** Spoilers, language, sexual innuendos, violence, drunkenness, nudity and general stupidity - everything you would expect in a bachelor's party. Plot, What Plot?

* * *

**Yozak's Sidetrip: The Bachelor's Party**

Part 3--

His Eminence is accompanied by a very amused Lord von Wincott and a very depressed Lord Jean Luc von Rochefort. (He is, also, accompanied by several bottles of really good liquor.) I heard that the younger von Rochefort has been here for a couple of weeks trying to convince Anissina to change her wedding plans to include a groom. Namely him. I wonder why no one told him he didn't have a snowball's chance in a volcano. The crazy woman had almost poisoned Dakaskos and destroyed the castle two years ago when Lord von Karbelnikoff tried to arrange a marriage between them. But I guess love can make you do crazy things.

I give the newcomers drinks, Gwendal gives them grunts and Wolfram gives them bear hugs. Lord von Wincott laughs and returns the hug and Lord von Rochefort blushes at the uncalled for display of affection. His Eminence, on the other hand, holds on for as long as possible with one hand drifting down to Wolfram's cute behind. He gives the kiddo a knowing, gloating look until His Majesty feels the need to point out that his Earth friend could release the prince anytime now. The Great Sage doesn't, instead he pinches Wolfram's cheek. Yes, that cheek. There's another loud crash in Gwendal's general direction.

"Really, Murata, you can let go now. I'm sure you won't hurt Wolfram's feeling," the king says, voice dripping with sarcasm and annoyance.

"Jealous much, Shibuya?"

"Who says I'm jealous?!"

"Aren't you?"

"What?! Of course, not!"

"I think the king doth protest too much."

"No, Murata!! I am NOT jealous!! I'm the most NOT jealous person in this entire room! The entire world even! You can hug Wolfram all night and I'd still be NOT jealous!!"

"Your Majesty is quite right in not being jealous," Lord von Wincott says nodding his head in a thoughtful manner, "news of Lord Wolfram's and your undying devotion to each other have reached even the Wincott territories."

"Same as in the Rochefort territories," Lord von Rochefort adds in a melancholy I've-been-dumped voice. "It was your love story that made me hope that Lady Anissina and I could achieve the same..." His voice breaks and he gulps down the drink I handed him. I pour him another for good measure.

The king sits back down on the table and crosses his arms in childish irritation, still mumbling in a low whisper, "... not jealous..."

"Now, now, calm down, Shibuya. I'm letting go. And not because you're jealous," His Eminence says in a placating manner made unconvincing by the slight upturn on his lips and decidedly slow movement in extricating himself from Wolfram, "Really, I just don't want Lord von Voltaire to knock out every soldier in the room."

"I haven't seen Densham arrive yet," Lord von Wincott says, "is he really not coming, Gwendal?"

"The twit refuses. It took me and Günter four weeks to convince him to give his blessing and he only gave it because Anissina threatened to leave Blood Pledge Castle and live with him."

"That is unfortunate, I thought those two were really quite close to each other. I hope she is not too disappointed. Who will be giving the family's blessing at the ceremony?"

"Gwendal has kindly stepped in," Conrart answers.

The Commander motions for one of his soldiers to come over who promptly complies and just as promptly gets punched.

"Lord von Voltaire, shouldn't your duty be to convince Anissina to listen to her older brother instead of convincing him to go with this foolish idea?" Lord von Rochefort asks in an accusing manner. He downs a glass and slams it on the table in the same accusing manner.

"Firstly, Lord von Rochefort, I have no obligations to convince any of the other ten nobles who they should marry their younger siblings to." Gwendal drinks."Secondly, Lord von Rochefort, I have no desire to meddle in matters of love." Another drink. "Thirdly, Lord von Rochefort, Densham is an idiot." Another one. "Fourthly, Lord von Rochefort... I can't remember what the fourth is but I've got a feeling it has something to do with a chicken." And another. "But lastly, Lord von Rochefort, why would I want Anissina to marry you?" The Commander waves his glass in front of his face; he tries to follow it with his eyes and fail.

His adversary drains another glass of liquor and slams it on the table. "Hah!" He pours another and gulps it down before continuing, "Lord von Voltaire, you finally admit you have designs on the most beautiful and most charming creature in Shin Makoku!"

"Lord von Rochefort... are we still talking about Anissina?" The Commander motions another soldier to come forward who bravely walks to him and just as bravely gets punched in the face.

"Of course, Lord von Voltaire, who else would I be talking about?"

"Che! Me, of course!" Wolfram interjects, "Most beautiful and most charming in the whole of Shin Makoku, who else would it be? Right, Yuuri?"

"Sure, Wolfram, whatever you say."

"I mean just look at me! I have soft golden hair that surpasses the manes of heavenly creatures, brilliant green eyes more beautiful than any emerald, my skin makes any piece of silk seem rough, the sight of my naked physique would make an army swoon and this face has brought men back from the brink of death. Right, Yuuri?

"Yes, Wolfram."

"The only creature more beautiful than I is Yuuri. Right, Yuuri?"

"Uh...please don't say embarrassing things, Wolf."

"But as for charm, the wimp is no match for me. I, who have the natural grace of a gazelle, artistic talents surpassing all painters in the 4000 year history of Shin Makoku, a wit that cuts sharper than any sword. Men and women are bewitched by my mere presence. Any demon would die happy with just one smile from my lips."

I've lost count of how much Wolfram has been drinking, he drains what is in his glass and flings himself across the table and grasps Gwendal's hand. He looks up at the Commander with long lashes fluttering against rosy cheeks and a face that rivals Greta's when she's asking for something.

"You think so too, don't you, Elder Brother?"

The Commander's cheeks reddens and I hear him whisper, "...too much cute." He stands up and walks to one of Wolfram's guards and tells him to get up.

"Y-yes sir!" the soldier in blue says before he falls to the floor, the latest of Gwendal's victims.

Wolfram immediately goes to his guard and cradles him in his arms. "Poor Adrian! My sweet Adrian! Oh, what horrid circumstance has befallen you! Such loyalty and love as you have shown to me deplorably returned with misplaced violence by my admired brother. Please do forgive his savage and contradictory display of adoration. While I, for my part, shall caress my poor Adrian's injuries and put his fate in Gisela's hands."

Poor Adrian doesn't seem to be doing poorly. From the many envious looks, any of Wolfram's personal guards and many from the regular ranks would give their eyetooth to be in poor Adrian's position.

"The evening seems to be progressing at a rapid rate," Lord von Wincott remarks. "What's the score so far?"

"Five to zero, Your Excellency" I reply.

"Wolfram's not quite there yet, huh?"

The king, finally, tears his eyes away from the melodramatic exchange between the prince and his soldier and asks, "What score?"

"I assume it's the score between Lord von Voltaire versus Lord von Bielefeld. It seems we're counting punches."

"I thought Wolfram doesn't get violent when he drinks."

"No, he doesn't, kiddo. It's something else entirely. You'll see."

Before the king can clarify, Lord von Wincott says, "Thank you, Your Eminence, for inviting us to this party. What was the name you called it?"

"Bachelor's party. In some countries on Earth, it's a tradition to have one before the wedding."

"Bachelor's party?" The kiddo gives the Great Sage a questioning look. "I don't think that fits. The whole point of that kind of party is to take the groom and let him have one last hurrah to celebrate his freedom before he gets the old ball and chain. You do know this is the crazy wedding that has no groom. I know I'm partly at fault for this insanity, but still, we have no groom to get sloppily drunk and no groom to entertain for the stripper that comes out of the cake. In fact, no groom, no stripper and no cake. The only thing we have is us and alcohol."

"So?"

"So we can't have a Bachelor's party."

"It's just a name, Shibuya. Sometimes, you're just too uptight."

"I'm not uptight."

"His Eminence is right, kiddo. After all, we're unmarried. We're bachelors. So we can have a Bachelor's party."

"And if you really want to treat someone to a last hurrah, perhaps you can use Lord von Voltaire and Lord von Rochefort. It looks like they could really use a good time."

"I'm just trying to say, Murata, it's not really a Bachelor's party because we're missing a groom. I'm not going to stop you from having a party."

"Only you would get caught up in semantics. Would you feel better if we call it a Party for Bachelors?"

"Call it whatever you want, I was just trying to make a point. Geez."

"Yuuri, it's all in good fun, but I see what you are trying to say," Conrart says and gives His Majesty his trademark 'calm-the-king-down' smile, "It's hard to think of it as a wedding since we all know that marriage is an institution where the groom loses his Bachelor's Degree and the bride gets her Masters."

Conrart's laughter echoes alone in the large cavernous room. "It's an Earth joke," he explains.

We all give him the "Ah!" exclamation of fake understanding.

I look at His Eminence and he shakes his head at me. Nope, the joke is not humorous by Earth standards either. And Conrart scolds _me_ for my levity?! At least, I'm funny.


	4. Chapter 4

**Warnings:** Spoilers, language, sexual innuendos, violence, drunkenness, nudity and general stupidity - everything you would expect in a bachelor's party. Plot, What Plot?

* * *

**Yozak's Sidetrip: The Bachelor's Party**

Part 4--

The Commander's voice reverberated through the dining hall, "Geigen Huber. Come. Sit. Drink."

"Your Majesty, Your Eminence, Your Excellencies, I didn't know you were here," Hube enters the room, makes a slight bow to the Maou and the Great Sage before proceeding to talk with his cousin.

"I just came to make my report."

"I don't want it."

"Are you sure you don't want to know status of the troops, the state of the wedding preparations and the current situations of Anissina's various experiments?"

"Is the castle still standing?"

"Well, yes."

"Sit. Drink."

"Yes, Lord Grisella, come join us. We're having a Bachelor's Party."

"Or a Party for Bachelors."

"Or are you afraid of what Nicola will say?"

"Is it true you wear the skirts in the family?"

"I hear she keeps you on a tight leash."

"You can always tell by the number of nappies the man changes."

"What?! Nicola and I share responsibilities, I'm not going to fall for..."

"Do you need a hug?"

"You need a drink. Here."

"I believe Nicola and Eru are playing with the princess and my son. I'm sure they can get along without you for a couple of hours."

Before anyone else can weigh in with their opinions on Hube's marriage and after Wolfram gets done giving him a hug, he sits down and takes the offered drink from Gwendal. With friends and family like us, he really doesn't have a choice.

"I probably shouldn't sit by you," he eyes Gwendal critically. "Here's to Lady Anissina and singlehood."

"I'll drink to her, though if it wasn't for Lord von Voltaire's meddling, we would be celebrating her union with me."

"Lord von Rochefort, you can dream as much as you want, but Anissina would have never married you!"

"Lord von Voltaire, she would have fallen in love with me if you hadn't stolen her two years ago."

"Lord von Rochefort, it's hardly stealing when she willingly left with me."

"Lord von Voltaire, I don't know what false words you said to her that made her take part in your wild scheme."

"Lord von Rochefort, don't make Anissina out to be some kind of innocent. She nearly killed one of Lord von Christ's retainer and destroyed the castle in order to avoid a date with you."

"Lord von Voltaire, if she had gotten to know me, as she would have if you had let the natural order of things occur, she would not have resorted to such desperate measures. She probably thought all men are like you."

"Lord von Rochefort, the world would be so lucky if all men are like me."

Scintillating as this conversation is (and productive in terms of casualties from Gwendal's ire), I almost applaud when we hear Lady Celi's high pitched voice ring throughout the dining hall. She sweeps into the room escorted by the elder Lord von Grantz, Adelbert's father, and followed by Lady von Rochefort.

"Ah, so this is where all the good men are congregated! How thoughtless of you not to invite us!"

"Good evening, Mother," her second son replies, "don't feel left out, this was an impromptu gathering. It's not like a party in outer space, we didn't plan-et." _Good gods, how many of these Earth jokes does he have? Must drink to lessen pain!_

"Besides, Mother," adds her youngest, "this party is for men only."

"More specifically, unwed men," her eldest finishes.

"But, my dearest, if this is where the eligible men are, it follows that I should be here."

"Mother! You can't. Yuuri says this is the last hurrah for Gwendal and we can only have unmarried men or it won't be a bachelor's party. So you and Lady von Rochefort can't be here. Not that I don't love your company, I do. But I don't think you want to be present when the stripper comes for Gwendal and Jean Luc. Of course, I don't know what a stripper is but I'm sure it's not meant for non-bachelors. Who knows what horrifying consequence would come about if you were here to witness it."

Feeling bad for being unwelcoming, Wolfram gives Lady von Rochefort a heartfelt hug. Then he gives Lord von Grantz one for good measure. At which point, Lady Celi grabs him and smothers him in her bosom.

"But my Wolfie is drunk! And you're so cute when you're intoxicated. You say the most nonsensical things and the last time this happened you had so many proposals. A few people almost died from all those duels to win your hand in marriage."

"Mhmph mmph mphm mm..."

"Enunciate, Wolfie dear, I can't understand you."

Wolfram takes a much needed breath as he is finally released from the Lady Celi's ample bosom.

"I said, Yuuri is lucky he only had to fight one duel to get me and one duel to keep me. Maybe, he needs to fight some more of them so he can truly appreciate me, his most precious treasure."

"No, Wolf, seriously, we don't need any more duels," the king protests.

"That's a bold move, Your Majesty," Lord von Grantz exclaims in a booming voice, "making duels to steal away your fiancé illegal."

"But understandable, and probably the best for Shin Makoku. We can't have the Maou's attention divided."

"... he-he-he... that's not exactly what I meant. Why don't they listen to me?" whines the king to the Captain.

"True, Lady von Rochefort," Lord von Grantz continued, "It did take Lord von Bielefeld almost two years to clear up the mess with all those suitors and propositions from the last time the young prince was besotted."

"I wish Jean Luc was as lucky, but he seems to be stuck in his infatuation with Lady von Karbelnikoff."

"Ah, unrequited love is painful. I should take him on my next trip to search for free love."

"Perhaps. Perhaps not. I might have something else."

"Elder sister, are you scheming again?"

"Jean Luc, mind your manners. I would ask you not to get inebriated, but it looks like I'm too late. At least, try not to be a miserable drunk."

"Youngsters these days, they don't know what to do with themselves," remarks Lord von Grantz.

"So true. So far I only got one of them engaged. The older two seem to have their priorities mixed up."

"That's it, Mother. You are not allowed to be in here," Gwendal growls as he punches another unfortunate soldier.

"Gwendal, don't be such a spoil-sport. I don't see any reason why we can't all have fun together. And please, try not to injure all the men before the night is over."

"Mother, this is a Bachelor's Party! That means only unwed men should be here. The gentler sex shouldn't be exposed to the barbarism that we men would like to indulge in once in a while."

"The way you talk, it's no wonder Anissina does not put up with you."

"Lord von Voltaire, the evidence clearly shows your sordid interest in my woman."

"Lord von Roche—arrghh!! Little man, be quiet!!"

"Who made this rule anyway?!" continues the ex-Maou, "It's a silly rule. Besides Geigen Huber is here and so is Del Kiasun. And they're certainly not bachelors."

"Hmmm... that is true."

"Perhaps we should put it to a vote whether they're allowed to stay."

"You order me to sit here and drink, malign my masculinity and now you're voting to kick me out. Why does this not surprise me?"

"Shush, or I'll have Nicola come and shush you."

"I haven't been a bachelor for more than a century," interrupted Lord von Grantz, "and fun as this gathering is, I do need to find Lord von Christ so I shall leave you to your enjoyment. If you'll excuse me, Your Majesty."

"It's alright, Mr. von Grantz, I don't blame you, it does look like we're preparing for a circus instead of a wedding."

"But, Your Majesty, marriage is a circus," the Captain comments. "A three ring circus – an engagement ring, a wedding ring and suffering."

I swallow the rest of my drink and get another. I'm hoping that the alcohol will either make the Captain's jokes funny or, at least, dull my senses. It looks like I am not the only one as practically everyone in the room take a long pull on their own drinks.

I offer one to Conrart. "Here, Captain, this might make you funny."

Lord von Grantz finishes giving Conrart a quizzical look and turns around to leave, but is stopped by Lady Celi's hand on his arm.

"Well, perhaps, I will join you after all. My three sons seem to prefer being boors tonight. I wonder if that's why I can't get them married off. You seem to be having better luck than I."

"Well, we'll see about that, Lady Celi. By the by, has anyone seen Lord von Christ?"

"Last time I saw him, Your Excellency, he was being dragged by Anissina to do one last checkup on some equipment."

"Thank you, Lord Grisella. Now all we need to do is find Anissina. Has anyone seen Lady von Karbelnikoff?"

A loud explosion reverberates throughout the castle.

"I guess we have our answer."

"I suppose I shall go with you, I think your discussion with Lord von Christ will prove to be much more interesting than this crowd's shenanigans. Pardon me, Your Majesty, Your Eminence."

"Don't worry about us, Lady von Rochefort, and we'll take care of your younger brother and make sure he doesn't get into too much trouble."

"Thank you, Your Eminence. I would stay but I must think of my lands and my people first."

Lord von Rochefort gasps, "Elder Sister, you're not going to try to arrange another marriage for me, are you?"

"I can't see why I shouldn't. Lady von Karbelnikoff is no longer available..."

"Why don't _you_ just marry Densham then?"

"You know that's impossible. Besides, I'm allergic to chickens."

"Mother, I trust you have no designs to marry any one of us off."

"Conrart, you are a perfect man and any woman would be happy to have you. But you boys seem to have problems getting hitched. At least, Wolfram has made some progress. Gwendal, on the other hand..."

"Mother! I order you not to delve into my private affairs," yelled the Commander angrily. This, of course, is followed by another crash and another black eye.

"Gwendal, I would leave you to your private affairs if you weren't so hopeless. You would think after a century of wooing the same woman, you'd have something to show for..."

"I knew it. Lord von Voltaire, you have been trying to seduce my Anissina into your evil, wicked, dirty, tawdry, unholy..."

"Jean Luc, SHUT UP!!" Gwendal looks around and points to several soldiers, "You! You! and You! Front and center!"

"Awww... he is so cute when he's all cranky like that. Shall we, Lord von Grantz, Lady von Rochefort?"

Lady Celi loops her arms through Lord von Grantz's and Lady von Rochefort's and they exit stage left while Gwendal's first victim, Wolfram's corporal, enters stage right. Frankly, I don't know what exit the three use and I don't know when the guard returns because I'm more than half drunk.


	5. Chapter 5

**Warnings:** Spoilers, language, sexual innuendos, violence, drunkenness, nudity and general stupidity - everything you would expect in a bachelor's party. Plot, What Plot?

* * *

**Yozak's Sidetrip: The Bachelor's Party**

Part 5--

I am sitting on the table with Goldilocks and the three sandbears having a lively, physical debate on the use of Shinou's Rules of Order and its applicability on voting Geigen Huber and Lord von Wincott off the Bachelor's Party when the aforementioned corporal delivers several more bottles of the expensive liquor we've been imbibing. I don't know if Wolfram is happy to see the bottles or happy to see his personal guard. Either way, it's apparent he is very happy. And he is happily expressing his happiness with his lips in a way that made the Corporal, whom I suspect to have a crush on our prince, extremely... well, happy.

On the other hand, it's also apparent that the kiddo is not at all happy with the way Wolfram is expressing his happiness to his personal guard. The slack-jaw look never seems to get old for the king. He is frozen in that position with Conrart's hand on his shoulder holding him back. I cannot imagine what he would have done anyway.

Someone yells, "Fifteen to one! His Excellency Gwendal is still in the lead."

The spell is broken and Wolfram removes his lips from the lips of his blushing corporal. I'm slightly annoyed that the kiss is too short and I'm looking around to see who yelled, then realized that it was me. Damn me and my excitability.

The kiddo has now molded his countenance to take on the look of a fish out of water. All in all, it's not an improvement. Before the room breaks into another loud debate and before the king can whine and complain and flabbergast over Wolfram's actions and before the Captain can brandish his bright shiny smile in a display of perfection, His Eminence whispers in my ear. I follow him leaving the cacophonous chaos behind me.

What greets me in the kitchen is the largest dessert I've ever laid my eyes on. It's white and pink and fluffy and the size of a small barn.

"Isn't it wonderful?" His Eminence asks.

"If you've got a big sweet tooth... Wolfram would be very happy"

"Oh yes, I'm counting on that. But you'll like _this_ cake. First we have to get you dressed properly."

I notice for the first time that he's holding the package that had been sitting innocently on my bed.

"Let's see, where's the closest room you can change in," he says looking around.

I've already dispensed my shirt and I stop in the middle of taking my pants off, I'm not sure why he wants to go to a different room. I look around; he and the maids are staring at me, faces flushed. I raise one eyebrow in question and finish undressing.

"I thought you'd be more comfortable changing your underwear without an audience," he points to my underpants, "that's all wrong."

He holds up a what I assume is the appropriate undergarment. I stare at it and wonder if the alcohol has made the rest of it disappear. I get the impression that there is a shortage of cloth on Earth. I take my plain underwear off and I hear several thuds land on the kitchen floor. The Great Sage's grin looks like it's about to break his face as I try to figure out how to put the little white thing on, the alcohol has taken some of my usual grace off. He helps me put on the rest of the complicated clothing.

Once I finish donning the white leather outfit, which takes several minutes (I think His Eminence is enjoying himself a little too much playing with all the straps and buckles), I try adjusting my butt cheeks, that string between them feels a bit strange... like someone constantly trying to poke me in my... I'm not saying that that's a bad feeling. But it's not something one would expect while walking around dressed.

"I wish I had a mirror," I say.

"You look wonderful Mr. Yozak," says one of the maids who is helping a colleague off the floor holding a handkerchief to her nose.

His Eminence gives me an appreciative look. My ego soars, my head spins. Yes, I know I'm gorgeous but it's always nice to be surrounded by admiring eyes. I close my eyes to stop the spinning. I feel something being placed on my head, my eyes flutter open and my vision is greeted by white gauze. I snicker, I must look like the runaway masochist bride of a sadist.

My talents as a contortionist has proven to be very useful in my career as a spy. I've been in a lot of tight places before, but I would have never guessed I would one day hide inside a cake.

When we arrive back at the dining hall (with me inside the giant cake), I hear a gasp of surprise. Then I hear Wolfram giddily shout, "Murata, I love you!"

_Murata??_ Wolfram must really be drunk.

I hear a crash of two bodies in the Sage's vicinity which I assume to be Wolfram expressing his gratitude for the giant dessert. There is a crash in the distance... probably the Commander. Voices suddenly cease and silence fills the room before it is broken by His Eminence addressing His Majesty.

"I thought you're not jealous."

"I'm not."

I hear loud whispers replace the silence. Then I hear music.

"Good," His Eminence replies.

"I'm his friend. That's all. And you shouldn't let your friends be taken advantage of when they're drunk."

"I didn't take advantage of him. He's the one who kissed me."

"Well, you looked like you were enjoying yourself too much."

"Shouldn't I?"

"Well... No! I mean he's... he's drunk for goodness sake."

"It didn't bother you when he kissed you while he's possessed."

"What?! That incident has no bearing in this conversation. Besides that-that-that was different! Powers beyond our control were involved."

"It was magical, you mean?"

"What?! No, I mean yes-no-yes. Aarrgh! Murata! It's just not the same!"

"Just because you're the fiancé doesn't mean that you have monopoly on the pleasure of kissing him."

"Yes, it does!"

"Okay, you win Shibuya."

Long pause. "That's not what I meant," the king says mournfully.

Okay, it's getting a little hot in this cake. That's it. I burst out of the cake in an explosion of enthusiasm and icing.

There is clapping and whistles and delightfully surprised faces. I jump on a table and strut and show my stuff.I even let a few lucky soldiers lick some stray icing off. The Commander looks like he's about to have an aneurysm. Lord von Rochefort is shouting angrily at him. Geigen Huber is trying to calm him down. Lord von Wincott is smiling and giving me encouragement. The kiddo is still pouting while Wolfram looks longingly at the ruined cake. Conrart gets over his surprise quickly and starts drinking copious amounts of alcohol before shooting angry glances at me. There are some loud crashes around the room. The small orchestra (where did the orchestra come from?) continues playing. His Eminence has an immense look of satisfaction that says, "mayhem, anarchy, pandemonium, my job here is done".

"He's not going to start stripping, is he?"

Conrart splutters.

I look down at all the buckles and shake my head, "I don't think I can even if I wanted to. Captain, are you okay? Drink go up your nose?"

He nods and motions me to get down off the table. He offers his hand and I jump in his arms.

"Now you've got an armful of me, what are you going to do?"

He blinks at me but doesn't put me down. Instead he stares at Gisela (when did she get here?) and tries to say hello.

"Lord Weller, Yozak..." Gisela stammers blushing. "Um, I was looking for His Excellency Wolfram."

"My dearest, sweetest childhood friend," says the prince as he turns from the cake and strides towards us. "Sweet, sweet Gisela. Have the angels sent you to replace that delicious dessert that was tragically ripped away from me? But that treacly confection is nothing compared to the green ambrosia that greets my eyes."

He grabs her in a strong embrace and he dips her. She yelps in surprise but he continues his exultations, "your gentle friendship is a honeyed tonic that soothes my soul. I love you and all that you do for me, for my king and for my kingdom. Let us swear from today onwards that we shall be boon companions, my sweet Gisela. And let's seal it with the most expressive of all symbols of regard."

Wolfram may be giving her a chaste kiss, but Gisela looks like she's fighting embarrassment and suffocation.

The kiddo looks like he's about to have a heart attack and when Conrart notices him, he drops me on the floor. _Ouch!_

"Wolfram, you might want to let go of Lady Gisela..."

"Oh, okay."

"Thank you, Lord von Wincott..."

"Wh-wh-wh..."

"What are you doing down there?"

"You dropped me..."

"W-W-Wolf..."

"Yozak, what are you wearing?"

"You just noticed now?"

"Gwendal, please don't hit any more of the soldiers."

"Okay, Hube, stay still so I can hit you."

"C-Conrad... Wolfram, he's... he's... he... kissed..."

"Lord von Voltaire, please don't send any more patients to my office."

Crash.

"Your Ma-Yuuri, are you ok?"

"Yeah, Shibuya, try breathing."

"Lord Weller, please tell Lord Wolfram to see me tomorrow, I need to speak with him."

"Okay Gisela."

"Good night, Gisela."

"Good night, Your Eminence."

"Have I ever told you how gorgeous your blue eyes are?"

"Why, no, Your Excellency Wolfram."

"Yozak, don't encourage him."

"Now, what's he doing!!"

"Shibuya, calm down."

Conrart helps me up and Wolfram wounds his arms around my neck and spouts some mighty sappy poetry in iambic pentameter.

"_Beauteous sapphires that shine upon my soul,_

_Flame hair frames that smile, oh gorgeous smile_

_That soothes th'injurious suffering and toll_

_Of life's incessant cruelties and vile_

_Tragedies. The brilliance that is you call_

_On love and care to stay and play awhile._

_Beauty that can make a few kingdoms fall_

_By my troth, be treasured, ne'er be defiled!_"

"Shall we seal that with a kiss, Your Excellency?"

We do. Which causes an uproar in the Commander's general direction. I hear some struggle and some crashes and Hube yelling and Gwendal growling. I peek and see the king struggling to get away from the Conrart. He marches towards me and the prince, his face purple with rage. I pray the Maou doesn't come out, but I don't end the kiss. He does. By ripping Wolfram off of me.

The king holds onto Wolfram's shoulders, knuckles white, fingers digging hard into the prince. "Wolfram! Stop this, will you! You are no longer allowed to have any alcohol. Do you understand?!"

Conrart puts his hand on the kiddo's shoulder. "Yuuri, let him go. He's drunk, that's all."

The king slaps the Captain's hand away and shakes Wolfram, "No more kissing people, okay?"

"Yuuri... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you jealous."

"I'm not jealous," the king sighs. "Really, I'm... I'm not. I just don't want you doing this."

Wolfram wraps his arms around the king and says, "I love you, Yuuri."

"I know. I know. You love everyone," the king replies as he pats the prince's back.

Wolfram loosens the tight embrace and looks at his quarry. His lips quirk into a smile. "No. There is a vast difference between my love for them and my love for you. But there are no words enough to express it. The love and affection I have for them I can contain within words and symbols created by mortals. But for you... one lifetime is not enough to show you."

"Huh? Wolfram, I-I just... I'm... I... Look, you'll be embarrassed when you remember all this tomorrow. Let's just take you to bed so you can rest and sleep the alcohol off."

"You have a different phrase you use. In your language."

"Phrase? For what?"

"The kind of love I have for you. There's a phrase that you say in your language. The strongest form of love."

"Eh??"

"_Aishiteru_, Shibuya."

"_Aishiteru_?"

"_Aishiteru_, Yuuri."

Wolfram's hands cradles His Majesty's face lovingly. Then he swoops in as His Majesty's eyes popped out of their socket. I guess the kiddo wasn't expecting Wolfram's tongue to play treasure hunt down his throat. The room explodes in applause and catcalls.

I wouldn't call the kiss romantic. But it is certainly different than all the kisses he's given away this evening. It's open-mouthed, sloppy, purposeful and methodical. As if Wolfram is a miner digging for gold and he is determined to get the last piece of nugget out of the mine. Needless to say, it lasts several minutes.

When Wolfram finally releases him, the kiddo just stands there breathless and paralyzed with shock. I hand him a glass and he empties it without a thought. I, also, hand one to Conrart who is shaken out of his usual perfect composure, he just eyes the glass as if he's never seen one before.

Any epiphanies that could have resulted from the shocking display do not come about. Everything stops, the applause, the catcalls, the whistles, the shouting, the yelling, the shocked silence. They all make way for the undeniable presence of one person. It was the Poison Lady herself.

"Gwendal!!" she yells in that unmistakably demanding voice that inspires fear in the souls of mortals.

"Oh gods!!" cries the Commander.

"Anissina, my love!!" cries Lord von Rochefort.

"So this is where you've been. I need to speak with you. No, not you. You!"

"I'll give you Hube and all of Wolfram's personal guards. Take Jean Luc, also. Can't you see I'm busy?"

"Gwendal, I am not your sacrificial lamb. At any rate, that sounds like my cue to go find Nicola and Eru. Good night, everyone."

"Have you gone insane, Gwendal? How much have you been drinking... Lord von Rochefort, please remove your arms off my legs!"

"But Anissina, my love. Why do you spurn me? Can't you see the depth of my feelings? I will grant you anything your heart desires."

"What my heart desires? I don't need a man to provide me with that. Come on Gwendal, I need to speak with you."

"I knew it! Lord von Voltaire has designs to sneak in as the groom on your ceremony tomorrow. Why do you not just admit it then? Why do you make my life painful? Oh that the gods would take pity on this poor soul..."

Anissina takes out what looks like a metal mesh glove out of nowhere and puts it on her right hand. She looks like she is about to punch the poor Lord von Rochefort who is still kneeling in front of her hugging her legs when she is accosted by Wolfram.

"Anissina, dear wonderful Anissina, I want to show my gratitude for all the times you've taken care of my cute daughter all the times that Yuuri and I are gone. I never say this to you, but I really appreciate all that you've done for her. Even though I still think you're a dangerous woman and are not a fit role model for my daughter."

Wolfram pulls her head down and kisses her. It's awkward at best since Lord von Rochefort was still between them, but it's enough to send Gwendal over the table. More headache-inducing chaos ensues.

Lord von Rochefort whines that it is Wolfram all along who is trying to steal Anissina and perhaps he should elope with the Maou as payback. The Commander's body weaves back and forth from the dizziness caused by his sudden acrobatics. He tries to punch someone out of habit and barely misses his brother who backs off from the inventor. Anissina gets fed up and punches Lord von Rochefort who is immediately knocked out cold.

"I guess the Get-Rid-Of-Annoying-Suitors-kun does work."

"Wolfram, stay still, I'm having a difficult time focusing on you."

"Elder brother, I _am_ standing still."

"Wolf, I think it's time that you go to bed."

"But Yuuri, we just started."

The Captain doesn't even ask and grabs one of Wolfram's arms and starts dragging him away. The kiddo follows.

"Well, I suppose we should take the Commander to bed too."

"I am staying here!"

"Yozak, grab his left side, I'll grab the other. Gwendal, if you don't behave, I'll knock you out cold."

Anissina and I maneuver the Commander out of the dining hall while the king and the Captain drag an unwilling Wolfram out. I hear His Eminence and Lord von Wincott converse as we leave.

"I suppose Lord von Rochefort will need to be taken to his room."

"Hmmm... I suppose we'll have to do it."

"Too bad the game ended rather early. What was the final score?"

"I believe it was 22 to 6 in favor of Lord von Voltaire."

"Ah, Wolfram has indeed mellowed out since his engagement."


	6. Chapter 6

**Warnings:** Spoilers, language, sexual innuendos, violence, drunkenness, nudity and general stupidity - everything you would expect in a bachelor's party. Plot, What Plot?

**A/N:** This is the end. I can't believe you're still here and I haven't driven you to drink XD. Thank you for reading this. And I want to especially give thanks to the reviewers and those who put this on their favorites and alerts.

* * *

**Yozak's Sidetrip: The Bachelor's Party**

Part 6--

We arrive at the Commander's door after much difficulty. He argued and growled his displeasure of being taken away from the party until Anissina tapped him lightly with her glove. He calmed down considerably afterwards. She and I have a lovely conversation about the new invention which I am considerably interested in. She had handed it to me and I am now admiring it while she tries to open the door.

"Stuck?"

"There seems to be something behind it."

I let go of the Commander and forcefully push the door open. Hundreds of stuffed animals (deformed cats, deformed dogs, deformed sandbears, any and all types of deformed creatures), fall out into the hallway.

Anissina and I both turn towards the Commander with incredulous looks.

He shrugs, "Weddings are stressful."

We wade through the massive amounts of hideous knitted toys. I just hope I don't fall over and get suffocated by the whole lot. I can just see my gravestone, "Here lies Yozak Gurrier who died bravely in battle against soft and cuddly knitted cats that look like aardvarks."

"What's with the sad face, Commander? You were quite energetic earlier."

The Commander's only response is to plop on his bed face down.

"Hmmm... I wonder if I didn't dial the power down enough on the Get-Rid-Of-Your-Suitors-kun."

"I'm not sure. Perhaps, he is really sad," I say as I watch him pull a big stuffed whale? cow? Kohi? and hug it. Then I witness something I never ever wish to see in my entire life. The Commander curls up on his bed on top of all the stuffed toys and sucks his thumb.

"Goodness, I haven't seen him this bad in many decades," Anissina declares, hands on her hips. "This situation is perfect for it. It's time to pull out the big guns."

The next thing I know, there is a big machine standing beside her. It is bright pink with gauzy sparkly wings and what looks to be the muzzle of a cannon shaped like the trunk of an elephant plus several appendages whose functions I can only imagine in a nightmare.

"Miss Anissina, where did you get that?"

"This? Oh, I've kept this in Gwendal's room for many years now. I knew that something like this would happen someday. It's called Cheer-Up-The-Big-Baby-kun."

Upon seeing the terrible-looking device, the Commander gains some of his blustery personality. He stands up on the bed and commence shouting and giving imperious orders at Anissina. She blatantly ignores all of it and explains in her clinically impassive and loud voice what the machine does and how it would solve all of Gwendal's problems. They both make my brain hurt like hell. I try to stop listening and put my hands over my ears but words keep seeping in.

"...command you..."

"...know what's good for you..."

"...blasted woman..."

"...now bend down... enjoy this..."

"...painful..."

"...like it. You always...big baby...on your knees..."

"Well, I'll leave you two lovebirds alone," I yell over their voices. "Have a good time Commander. And Miss Anissina, try not to leave bruises."

"Why me?!"

"That should be obvious."

I hurriedly sweep out the room. Okay, my motions are slow and clumsy and the million and one grotesque squishies is not making it easy. I close the door and lean back; the angry shouting and excited shrieking are muffled and my head starts feeling somewhat normal.

I'm all dressed up and nowhere to go. Let's go see what the Captain is up to. I make my way to Wolfram's bedroom, change my mind and head towards the royal bedchamber. If my guess is correct, the kiddo would tell the Captain to bring Wolfram to the royal bedroom.

As I near my destination, I hear someone singing out of tune. _"...Vanda Volcano... can't cross the ocean... hiccup..."_

The door is open and I slip in. I lean by the doorway as I watch the Maou help his fiancé get dressed for bed.

"Yozak."

"Captain."

"Geez, why do you wear so many complicated things. Conrad, grab his other arm. If he swats me one more time, I swear I'll go Maou on him."

"_...Van Van Da Via island of dreams... hic... if the daughter from..."_

"Why don't you sit down, I can handle this."

"Huh? Oh, I suppose. But I just feel responsible for him. I mean he's your brother and I'm just his friend. Though, I am kind of his family too. We have a child together and you're my godfather. Also, I know he would do this for me if it was the other way around. I don't mind helping."

"_...island of love... hic... you come around... never be able to stay..."_

"Besides, Captains," I say as the undressing got down to the pants and the kiddo suddenly felt the weight of his words, "I rather enjoy watching His Majesty strip your younger brother naked."

"Yozak!" they both yell.

"_...If the woman from the hic falls in hic Vanda..."_

The pants go down after much fumbling and much blushing on the kiddo's part. He almost gives up and looks at Conrart but he looks away again and finishes the task. The Captain hands him Wolfram's frilly pink nightgown.

"Wolfram, quit squirming. Put your arms up. There we go."

"_...Da Via island of dreams hic... third time... hic..."_

"Yuuri, I really think we should bring Wolfram to his room."

"But that's too far. He'll be fine here."

"Are you sure kiddo? I hear he's a violent sleeper."

"_...you'll never go back... a boat will dock... hic..."_

"Don't worry, after two years, I've built up a tolerance. Besides he'll be dead as a doorknob. He can't even keep on his feet... Wolf, stop singing and go to bed okay? Just lie down. Come on, be a good boy."

Wolfram finally stops singing and looks straight at Conrart.

"Little big brother..."

"Yes, Wolfram?"

"I don't feel so good..."

_Oh crap!_ I head for the bathroom door and wrench it open as the Captain sweeps his younger brother off his feet and rush through past me.

I hear retching and hope he made it. The king follows the two and I follow him in.

"I remember doing this with you," I tell the Captain.

"Yes, fond memories," he smiles as he let the king take over in rubbing Wolfram's back and keeping the hair off his face. True friendship can be measured by how many times you accompany each other in puking sessions.

When Wolfram finishes emptying his stomach, Conrart hands the king a washcloth who wipes the prince's face.

"Geez, Wolfram, why did you have to drink so much?"

"Mmmnnm...mmnmn...mbnmb..."

I hand the king a glass of water, "Make him drink. Even if he throws it up again." He nods and gets Wolfram to drink some after much difficulty.

When the kiddo goes to support the inebriated prince by looping Wolfram's arm over his shoulder, the Captain automatically moved to carry his brother. I stop him.

"Let's leave them to their tender moment alone."

He looks at the couple as they slowly move towards the bed, and for a split second I see a strange longing flit on his face, and just as quickly the look was gone replaced with his perfect smile.

"Your Majesty, I can still bring Wolfram to his room, if you'd like."

"That's alright Conrad, I think we'll be fine here. I'm tired," the king replies as he starts dressing for bed, "You and Yozak can go, I know the night is still young and the party had just gotten started."

"You'll regret it, kiddo,"

"Huh?"

"Let's go, Yozak."

He closes the door and nods to the two guards stationed by the royal bedchamber.

"Why didn't you tell him that Wolfram's terrible sleeping habits are ten times worse than normal when he's drunk?"

"Let's let Yuuri find that out for himself, shall we?" he smiles, this time it even reaches his eyes.

I shrug, "Well, where to now, Captain? The night is young and I'm all dressed up."

"I'm heading to bed. I think I'll need all my energy for tomorrow."

"What? And you're not inviting me?"

"Like you said, you're all dressed up. Certainly, you're not dressed to watch me snore."

"Don't get me wrong, I've always found your snores fascinating. The quality of the trill and the low rumble that punctuates it is not something I would pass up on any given day. But thrilling as that sounds, Captain, you're right, I was hoping for something more exciting."

"Well then, good night, Yozak!"

"Good night, Captain."

"By the way you do look pretty," he says over his shoulder as he goes, "even if it's in a mannish sort of way."

Then he adds after a few steps, "and sexy."

I start whistling the Van Da Via tune as I watch him walk away until he disappears around the corner.

"Well... two out of three ain't bad, is it Yozak."

"No, Your Eminence. Though, for a moment there, I thought I almost had him."

"Where are you heading to now?"

"Hmmm... not quite sure. The main events have gone to bed..."

"I thought you're the main event."

"You flatter me, Your Eminence. Where are you heading?"

"I was going to go to bed after Lord von Wincott and I dropped Lord von Rochefort off to his room, but I found I couldn't remember where my room was."

"Well, we can't have His Eminence wandering around the castle without a bed. And it's too late for you to be heading back to the temple..."

"I hear you know every nook and cranny in this place."

"The rumors are true."

"And I do have to get up early tomorrow to prepare for the wedding ceremony. The sooner I find my room, the better."

"Also, true."

"Shall we?"

"At your service, Your Eminence."

"I thought you'd say, 'it'd be my pleasure'"

"That too."

End

* * *

**A/N:** Whew! Can't believe you stuck through all that. Now it's time to get a drink. _Gives you virtual shots of vodka._  
This author loves feedback. Tell me what you think. What you liked, what you didn't like. I want to improve my writing. And thank you for all the readers and, especially, those who reviewed. It was my pleasure to provide you with this little bit of entertainment.


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